I’m currently sitting in a meeting. In fact, I’ve been sitting in this same meeting for over an hour. I’m cold and hungry and well, a wee bit hung-over. I would kill for a granola bar or even just a piece of old, dry toast. You know what I want- cheek pouches. Hamsters, for instance, have special pouches which allow them to store food in their cheeks. My mother and I learned this little fact after watching my newly acquired $3 hamster consume a block of hamster food eqivalent in size to three times its body weight. After a scary ten minutes, during which we screamed a lot and tried to give the hamster the heimlich maneuver, our vet politely informed us that the hamster possesses “cheek pouches”. Apparently, despite its cheap price tag, the hamster is quite an impressive animal. That said, I really want cheek pouches. Thousands of years of evolution and the human race has yet to get cheek pouches. What’s that about? Why is it that my hamster who spent its time sleeping and eating bugs got such a cool genetic trait? I, personally, am willing to trade in both my appendix and my tonsils in exchange for cheek pouches. I could, like, store a sandwich in there and nibble on it throughout my meetings. Or perhaps, my pouches could serve as portable medicine cabinets, thus allowing me to keep the aspirin content in my blood stream at a cool 99.9%.

Yep, I think the human race got severely ripped off in the cheek pouches department. And you know what else, while I’m sitting here making demands of Mother Nature and evolution, I also want some jaguar legs. That way I would never again be late for anything. I would also be like the fastest person ever, which would be cool because then Nike would want me to be in all of their ads (cha-ching). Of course, maybe not in their shorts’ ads- jaguar legs on a human body might not be too pretty. But seeing as I’d have to shave my legs about three times a day, Gillette might also be willing to have me as their spokeswoman. Ah, decisions, decisions…

Man, this has got to be the longest meeting ever. You know what else I need- I need to be able to roar. That way, I could just stand up right now and let out a big, scary roar. Hell, I bet this meeting would be over in like 2 seconds flat. Furthermore, I’m willing to bet that I wouldn’t be “invited” to anywhere near as many meetings. And the ones I did end up in would be super short. Roaring would also be very handy outside of work. For instance, if a sketchy someone was hitting on me in a bar, I think a loud roar would be an easy way of hinting that I just wasn’t interested.

It’s all very upsetting how far humans have failed to come. I mean all we’ve got are opposable thumbs and giant brains- both of which have caused me to end up in the never-ending meeting. That said, I think life would be pretty good with cheek pouches, jaguar legs, and a nice, scary roar to round it all off.