Rule #1: Never trust a doll whose head is hollow and pops off like an accessory while great time and effort has been put into making her legs and knees bend.

Barbie’s a whore. Alright, that was a wee bit harsh, but frankly, I’ve got a little pent up rage these days, and well, Barbie seems like an appropriate target. Hell, I’ve been taking my rage out on Barbie for decades. As a slightly unattractive young girl, of course, I hated the perfect bitch. So, every now and then when I was having a bad day, I’d stick her head down the toilet. I used to like swinging her around by her hair as well. 9 out of 10 times, if you got a really good circular acceleration going, her head would shear from her body and her body would go shooting off towards a designated target (i.e. my little brother). Let me tell you, it was pretty scary when I got going with a Barbie in each hand. The rumors ran amuck around my little neighborhood about me and my twin Barbies. Hell, they’d see me coming from miles and miles away…

One time I tried to toss another factor into the formula and light Barbie on fire. I found out later in the emergency room that Barbie + Fire = Toxic Fumes. Mom took Barbie away after that…

Recently, while shopping, I noticed that they now have “Wheel Chair Barbie”. Well, for a minute there, I thought the whole world was going liberal. Then I noticed that “Wheel Chair Barbie” was on the bottom shelf, and well, her price had been marked down six or seven times. Apparently, it didn’t occur to any of these enterprising mothers that they could buy “Wheel Chair Barbie” for $1.50, take her OUT of the wheel chair, and give them to their kids as regular old knee bending Barbie. Kids are so picky, though, I guess they’d probably whine about Barbie having once been in the wheelchair. But then you could always tell them that “Barbie got better”. Sure, this may result in your kid saying something socially awkward when confronted with a real life handicapped person, but for $10, isn’t that a risk we’re all willing to take?

I’m waiting for the day, though, when they come out with “Potentially Alcoholic Barbie” or “Slightly Large Assed Barbie”. They could have like little descriptive histories. “Potentially Alcoholic Barbie is angry and bitter because her husband spends too much time with his secretary whose head isn’t hollow.” “Slightly Large Assed Barbie has a poor genetic make-up which causes all the Ring Dings to gravitate to her ass”. In addition, perhaps the manufacturers could include accessories like a little flask or a bottle of diet pills.

As a final note, I would like to suggest that Mattel make Barbie doll heads in the form of Osama bin Laden and that the U.S. military drop them on Afghanistan. Now, tell me that wouldn’t freak the hell out of them. I know. I know. I have the mind of a general.