So my girlfriend went to Denver and brought me back a souvenir buffalo.

Now, it’ s been a long time since I’ve seen a bison and the bison I saw was a sad zoo bison who I was actually half inclined to bust out with my nail file and Uzi. Nonetheless, I sure don’t remember it looking like some sort of bear-dog mutant. As soon as my girlfriend took it out of her suitcase, the cats opted for flight rather than fight, and the dog wet himself. The cowboy hat, obviously an attempt at cuteness (which incidentally tends to work well for teddy bears, puppies, and cobras) doesn’t make me think of the wild west so much as of strippers.

Further investigation revealed the source of the problem:

Our buffalo was a product of China. It seems like someone didn’t give our Chinese friends an actual picture of a buffalo. Either that or our favorite Chinese manufacturers realized that they could increase their profit margin by passing a souped-up brown bear for a bison. They probably had some sort of brown bear surplus following a mauling at a local kindergarten. Seems like a good business move. After all, bison tend not to kill people (mainly because there’s about six of them left and all six have been collared, microchipped, and locked up in the Denver Zoo).

Of course, I can’t help but wonder if these toys are doing the bison a grave disservice. After all, if you give your son this bison, he’s likely to take a vow right then and there to hunt them to the point of extinction. Unless of course, he’s just jealous of the bison’s snazzy cowboy hat and colorful kerchief in which case, it’s time to start planning the coming out party.