The circus sucks. Everyone knows it. Hell, even the bears and tigers know it. They’re standing there, on one leg, on their little pedestals, going, “Now, why the hell would anyone pay $30 to see this?” Personally, I’d rather spend a night, sitting at home, watching my hamster run around the living room floor. Shit, one time, my hamster jumped up and ate a fly that was buzzing around the room. It was most impressive. That trick alone more than made up for the $1.50 I paid for the little beast. Who needs the circus? What have you got?You’ve got Mary the Tiger Whisperer coming along and saying “Roar Tiger Roar”, and then wowee the tiger roars. Well, no shit Sherlock, if someone stuck a 120 Volt stun gun in my ass, hell, I’d be half inclined to roar too. Oh, and the best part- we’re supposed to think Mary’s in danger. The tiger’s just sitting there roaring/ whimpering with like four snipers in the audience prepared to take him out if he shows any signs of actual aggression, and we’re supposed to be concerned for Mary’s safety. Meanwhile, Mary’s like this buxom 6’2” blonde, which means that her only real threat of danger is from the 200 flat-chested, brunettes littered throughout the audience, who are sitting there picturing her pretty, little head being removed from her Amazonesque body with a snap, crackle, pop…

Of course, I am willing to fess up and say that my dislike of the circus is based on very little evidence. In fact, I’m not even sure that I’ve ever been to the circus. I have some weird circus type memories with clowns and loud noises and that “Bum Bum Bum Bum Bum Bum Nar Nar Dilly Dilly…” music drifting in the background, but I might have just picked that up from a movie or TV show. Hey parents, now there’s a quick way to save $60. Just plop the kid in front of the TV, toss them a bag of cotton candy, and switch on a TV show or movie in which the opening scene is in a circus. I feel like there’s a bunch of “Murder She Wrote” episodes or perhaps a “Made for TV Agatha Christie” movie in which the circus plays a prominent role. Years later, the kid will have beautiful memories of the circus to share with his or her children. Just make sure that you stop the tape before it gets to the murder scene- that could really fuck a kid up.

So yeah, I’m the circus grouch. And you know what else, I don’t like that the trapeze artists are like 100’ up hanging on by a thread and some oversized leg muscles. It’s like watching a horror movie, and you’re just waiting for the psycho, one handed axe murderer to jump out. As far as I’m concerned, 10’ off the ground will be fine. But if that hinders the show, you can put them like 40’ up, but now, I’m going to require that you duct tape them to the bar, wrap them in bubble wrap, and set up a twenty story air mattress at the bottom. I’m a New Yorker- I have enough excitement in my life as it is…