Well, it’s that time of year again- children get out of school, parents crank up the air conditioners, and thousands of gay men and lesbians parade down Fifth Avenue. It is by far one of the best parades in New York City. Everyone’s just in such a great mood, and the costumes are fabulous. Apparently, this year, Hillary Clinton was somewhere in the parade. Of course, with a bunch of half naked gay men wandering about, who the hell’s going to notice Hillary? I mean, it’s like,

“Wow, look at that gay guy with his ass hanging out.”

“Oh sister, that ain’t nothing. Look at that white woman in the very conservative, black business suit.”

I think Hilary needs to start marching in parades where the audience isn’t going to be quite so distracted. I will say, however, that 99.9% of the time (and I say 99.9% of the time so that if you fall into this group of people, you can assume that you’re actually the .1% exception), anyway 99.9% of the time, it’s usually the ugly people who get naked and parade down Fifth Avenue. I guess they just wake up that day, look in the mirror, and think to themselves:

“Well, damn, I look good today. My ass isn’t looking quite so saggy. My excess flab isn’t looking like man boobs. You know what, I’m going to march down Fifth Avenue.”

(Long pause. Swig of whiskey)

“Maybe, I’ll wear a pair of shorts and show off my sexy legs”

(Short pause. Another swig of whiskey)

“Perhaps, I’ll wear a tank top too.”

(Another swig of whiskey)

“Hmmm…. maybe I’ll go bare chested”

(Twelve swigs of whiskey later)

“Hell, maybe I’ll just go NAKED.”

Now, there has got to be nothing worse than waking up from a hang-over, only to discover that 10,000 tourists now have you on their video cameras- parading down Fifth Avenue in only the birthday suit that God gave you. Of course, when God gave you your birthday suit, it was all cute and unhairy and little, and well, now it looks like the bear skin coat that your crazy Uncle Ester had made for your slutty Aunt Jackie’s birthday. And it’s all a very sad state of affairs..

In general (and I’m not sure if this is true for all parades), the naked, somewhat “quirky” people get stuck at the back. I think if you’re one of those naked people, it’s time to take a hint. If they put you at the back of the parade, it’s because no one wants to see your naked ass. I mean, c’mon think about it- if Cindy Crawford wanted to march down Fifth Avenue naked, they’d label her “Grand Marshall”, re-name it the “Naked Cindy Crawford Parade”, and then cancel the rest of the floats.

On a similar note, if your whole float suddenly ends up at the back of the parade, it’s because no one really gives a damn about your organization. Either that, or the naked people on your float are just really ugly (see paragraph above). It may be time to redefine your organization. Perhaps, this time, give it a purpose. (Either that or next year, hire a supermodel to strip on your float)

This year, I actually stayed until the end of the parade. Yep, for all four hours. I’d love to see a graph which illustrates the general crowd enthusiasm as a function of time. Cause in the beginning, everyone’s going nuts- cheering and yelling. But let me tell you, four hours later, when your hands are raw from clapping, your voice is hoarse, and your feet just want to click their heels together and be home, it’s very hard to be enthusiastic about an organization designed to help lesbians deal with the loss of a beloved house pet.

If it were up to me, I’d just lump some of these groups together. There’d be a float for lesbians, one for gay men, and one for everyone else. The average speed of the parade would be 55 mph. There would be no stopping and no distribution of “leaflets” or “flyers”. If a group wanted to give out keyrings or something of that nature, they’d have to just chuck them from the float. Of course, when the lawsuits started pouring in from bystanders who were impaled by pins traveling at 55 mph, well, then that would pretty much put an end to all of this promotional material… But nonetheless, I think everyone watching would still recognize the important message behind the parade- “Don’t judge a gay man who has the power to throw a fast moving object at your head”.