Alright well I must have severely jinxed myself last week, because I ended up spending all day today in the hospital with a throbbing pain in my right eye. Okay, well it wasn’t exactly a hospital so much as an eye clinic, but nonetheless, it did suck. First of all, I had to wait in the world’s most inefficient line for like forty minutes. And the thing that really really got to me was the fact that if you were a so called “emergency”, you could skip the line. Well, this resulted in quite an argument between myself and the attending nurse. You see, she was under the impression that anyone who said that they needed medical care right away should be classified as an emergency. Whereas, I was under the impression that unless someone was holding their eyeball in their hand, they should wait in the freaken line.

Honestly, I think the whole process is just designed to break you, so that by the time, you get in the doctor’s office, you’re as docile as a wounded dog. Then, when they suggest an excruciatingly expensive procedure which involves large lasers being shot into your eyeballs, you just nod and sign on the dotted line. Cause I mean, who in their right mind would agree to this kind of thing-”Oh a large laser, you say. Shot into my eyeball? What a splendid idea”. You know who these people are who agree to this kind of thing, they’re the ones who are absolutely blown away by technology. They don’t have a clue about it, so they worship it as a god. You see, I’m just a tad more skeptical. You mention my eyeball intersecting with a laser, and I’m instantly thinking “fuse together”. I don’t think about those commercials with shiny, happy people who can now see without glasses or contact lenses. Instead, for some reason, I keep re-playing the scene from Star Wars where Darth Vader cuts off Luke Skywalker’s hand with a light saber.

Anyway, I digress. So where was I- oh yes- waiting. So yeah, I waited and waited and waited some more; and eventually, I finally squirmed my way into the doctor’s office. My doctor has like the warmth of a snowman, and not like a half melted slushman, but rather a frozen to the core iceman. And for some inexplicable reason, he feels the need to end all of his sentences with “…for the rest of your life”. Which would be really scary if it wasn’t for the fact that the sentences usually begin with something along the lines of, “You’re going to have to wear contacts… (…for the rest of your life)”. Which, of course, was a huge shocker, because for some reason, I was under the impression that at some point in my life, my eyesight would just fix itself. Go figure…

In second place, my doctor’s also a big fan of the “Now that you’re getting older” phrase. He usually follows this one with some worthless piece of advice about my eye care that I’ve known for years. Apparently, this year, now that I’m getting older, I “need to be very careful with my eyes.” Again, another huge surprise. I thought my eyes would get more resilient with age. I didn’t realize that as I aged, I had to take better care of them. Shit, I better stop poking my finger in them…

Anyway, so after wading through a bunch of useless information, I finally figured out that my eyes were just dry. Apparently, all of this computer use just doesn’t sit well with them. Of course, I immediately called my boss and told him that from now on I will be using a typewriter to compose all of my memos and all of my interoffice e-mail will be sent via paper airplane. He took it surprisingly well… Frankly, I’m just happy he’s talking to me again. Ever since I announced on Friday that something was wrong with my eye, everyone at the office has been treating me as though I have the lurgy (and yes, that is a technical term). And frankly, I resent it. Even if it had been some nasty contagious disease, that does not warrant throwing my mail at my head…

Anyway, I better run. I have to call my mom and check on the chances of her being able to afford a new eyeball for me- just in case…