Okay, first of all, I would like to apologize for this rambling being a wee bit late- I’ve been in Mother’s Day angst for the last couple of days… But I’ve finally chosen a gift, and now, I can carry on with my life. For those of you who are curious, I ended up purchasing a bottle of perfume from Sephora’s website (www.sephora.com). This was a splendid process because if nothing else, it allowed me to avoid actually setting foot inside Sephora. If you have never had the pleasure of going to Sephora, allow me to explain… This store, which specializes in make-up, requires its saleswomen to dress all in black and wear one black glove (cute or pretentious- you be the judge). Anyway, these same saleswomen float around the store, and on more than one instance, they have been completely oblivious to my needs. Now normally I’d instigate some annoying, little revolution in which everyone within walking, riding or flying distance, go to their nearest Sephora and ask the saleswomen there why they only wear one glove; however at present, I’m having a moment of maturity. What I’d really like to do is sit one of the more “self-absorbed” saleswomen down and explain the sales process to her. Perhaps, something along the lines of:

“You see, Serendipity, I am the customer. That means, I am always right. You are trying to sell make-up to me. So if I think that blue shadow is still fashionable, well then dammit, as far as you’re concerned, it’s 1985 and the Bangles are the hottest band out.”

I bet at some point in time, someone performed a psychological test which came up with the result that we, as customers, will buy more merchandise if the salespeople treat us like shit. I mean, think about it- if you go into a store and the salespeople are constantly feeding you the “Can I help you line?”, 9 out of 10 times, you just fire back the “No thanks, I’m just looking” line, and then kind of drift out of the store. But if the salespeople ignore you, well hell, you’ll go tagging around behind them, trying to get their attention, cause now, you want whatever they’re selling. They’re like the cool kids in high school. They pretend you don’t exist and as a result, you want to be just like them. And frankly, if $100 in clothes will do that, you’re more than willing to shell out the cash… I mean, who wants to buy clothes from those helpful salespeople? They’re always trying to get your attention. Obviously, they’re the nerds…

I bet you never realized just how cut throat the clothing business can be. Yep, that’s why mom isn’t getting clothes this year. I actally was very tempted to, instead, buy her some type of household product. That’s like my favorite department in any big store. They’re always stocked full of these cuddly, warm, “I’ll bake you some chocolate chip cookies, dear” saleswomen. But last year, I laid down some rules for myself for Mother’s Day gifts and well I’d hate to break them already (that was, in case you didn’t get it, my intro into my list of rules)…

Rule #1: Don’t buy anything which is intended to help them cook or clean

Would you like it if all of your gifts were ones which would help you do your job more efficiently? Aside from the fact that you’d eventually shoot yourself from boredom, you would also feel like your family was implying that you weren’t doing your job very well. (The exception here being that if someone got you a super-human robot to actually do your job- well, that would be pretty sweet…)

Rule #2: If your mom is over sixty, you better be extremely careful when choosing her gift

It seems that once people get past a certain age, they’re not so concerned about hurting other people’s feelings. In other words, if your gift sucks, they’re going to tell you it sucks.

Rule #3: Don’t buy any cute, stuffed animals

Unless your mom is an eighteen year old girl, she’s probably got enough stuffed animals by now to re-stuff her sofa.

Rule #4: Don’t buy any skin product which has the words “Anti-wrinkle” on it

Yeah, just what mom wants on Mother’s Day- to be reminded that Father Time’s going to give her face a whipping right up until the minute, death comes knocking on her front door.

Rule #5: There is a thin (very thin) line between tasteful and tacky

For instance, a bottle of perfume in the shape of a woman’s bust is tasteful if it costs $300, but excruciatingly tacky if it costs $19.99.

Rule #6: If you’re over the age of 17, your mother probably doesn’t want anything you’ve “made”

This rule, of course, is not applicable if you’re like Leonardo DaVinci.

Rule #7: Unless your mom owns a Harley Davidson, she’s going to be a lot happier with a necklace that says “Mom” as opposed to a tattoo on your ass that says “Mom” (again see Rule #5)

Rule #8:

Well that’s actually all I’ve got for now. I hope that if you have yet to get mommy dearest a gift, this list will help you out. It has, afterall, been formed over the course of twenty-four years of trial and error…