I hate basketball. Alright, well perhaps, that’s not quite so accurate a statement. I actually just really really hate Ohio. Now, this hasn’t always been the case. Prior to this week-end, I was more or less indifferent towards the team; but in two hours, Ohio cost me $300; and well, frankly, I’m not feeling so indifferent anymore. I mean, if say my mother was to cost me $300 for her open heart surgery or something along those lines, well that would be okay. But the coach of Ohio State didn’t spend 30 years feeding, cleaning, and nursing me. (Well the nursing part wasn’t for all 30 years- that would be sick). Anyway, my point here is that Ohio owes me BIG TIME. Or at least, I think they owe me big time. It is possible that I may have, in fact, cost them the game against Arizona. No, I didn’t like pull a Tanya Harding on their best player or anything as drastic as that. It’s just that it’s starting to become very apparent that once I put a team down on my bracket, all of the forces in the universe come together to make sure that that team loses. And it’s not just like a “little” loss but rather a big embarrassing flop. Number One Seeds suddenly get knocked out by Division Four high school teams who weren’t even supposed to be playing in the tournament. The players suddenly develop paralyzing diseases which don’t allow them to pass the ball unless it’s to a member of the other team. The coach suddenly develops a drinking/ crack habit which results in him advising his players “not to crowd the plate”. Basically, everything goes to hell…

That said, I am accepting bribes for next year. If you or someone you love sends me $300, I will not put your team down on my bracket. In fact, for $500, I will make sure that I put them down as losing in the first round- thus, guaranteeing them a ticket to the championship game. Please make all checks or money orders payable to the Internal Revenue Service, Account # 5435. I need about 40 of you to send in $300 a piece before I am home free.

You see, throughout the year, the IRS has been under the somewhat mistaken impression that I have four dependants. Now at first, I thought the IRS just had a soft spot for fish. But apparently I was wrong. The IRS actually believes that in the course of a year, my 30 year old body has produced 4 children. Now, here’s a little basic math, kids: what is twelve months divided by nine months? I bet it isn’t four. Nope, it’s more like 1 1/3. (The 1/3 being an embryo which I’m not sure if you can claim for tax purposes). In fact, truth be told, I’ve been slacking- I don’t even have my 1 1/3 children. So I basically have about 14 days in which to acquire four kids. I’ve considered hitting up one of my friends who teaches kindergarten, but I think I either want them really old (like 35) or really young (like an egg). Perhaps, I’ll just tell the government I’m expecting quadruplets. Which isn’t a complete lie, because it has occurred to me that I could have four children eventually, and well, I guess you could say that I’m “expecting” four children. And well, as to whether they come all at once or one after another, I might one day have faith that they’re going to come all at once (right about the time the doctor tells me that I’m going to have quadruplets) Anyway, faith = religion, and you know what that means- yep, the government has to butt out.

Damn, I should be a lawyer..

Of course, it is possible that this whole affair will land me in prison despite my splendid lawyering abilities. In which case, instead of money, send me cigarettes and a copy of the “Idiot’s Guide to Escaping Prison”, and I’ll put your team at the bottom of my NCAA bracket. That is provided, they have NCAA brackets in prison. I don’t even want to know what you have to gamble with in order to participate in that pool…