Alright, so here I am enjoying a rather perilous car ride back to New York City, and I’ve gotten to thinking about death. Imagine if you will a superior driver- a driver who can parallel park blindfolded and who can whisk from lane to lane with the grace of a ballroom dancer. That is not my driver.

Now, give that superior driver, a kilogram of speed, an 8 ½” by 11” sheet of LSD, and a super sized ecstasy pill. That, my friend, is my driver, and we’re doing it all. My driver’s interests include: accelerating towards stopped cars, driving in multiple lanes simultaneously, getting flipped off by grandmothers, and driving on that little bumpy part of the highway which is intended to alert you that in .5 seconds, you’re going to go careening off of the road into a guardrail and/or the forest. As of our last bridge crossing, I have kept my window open just in case I need to swim out of it in the near future.

To enhance the flavor of my trip, my driver has also been kind enough to sprout a few situation- appropriate quotes. Some of which have included the following:

My driver: “Are you sleeping?”

          What I said: “Not really.”

What I was thinking: “My eyes are just closed- I’ve seen enough”

 

My driver: “Do you have a piece of dental floss?”

          What I said: “Ummm. Don’t you need both hands to drive?”

What I was thinking: “I wonder if this organ donor sticker will come off of my driver’s license.”

 

And my personal favorite (which has occurred multiple times):

My driver: “HOLD ON!!!!”

What I accidentally let loose:  A LOUD “HOLY SHIT”

          What I was thinking: “Did I just wet my pants?”

 

Hell, this trip’s even worse than driving with my seventy year old boss, and my boss is a god awful driver. When he gets lost, rather than pulling over to determine our location on a map, he slows down to a crawl and starts reading the street signs. This one time, we were on Route 95 when he couldn’t find the exit. Oh that was fun. I just watched in the rear view mirror as this Mercedes 16 wheeler got bigger and bigger until the entire mirror was engulfed in a sea of black. Shit, I must have said like 13 Hail Marys (which is particularly impressive considering that I’m not even Catholic). Shortly thereafter, I screamed like a girl…  

I definitely more than wet my pants that time…