Advertisers crack me up. They’re just so freaken persistent. I mean what do you do when you’re an advertiser and the product you’re supposed to hawk to the consumer is just a complete piece of crap. I mean you can’t tell the consumer it’s crap, because no one short of a masochist is going to buy your product- which may, of course be your goal if you’re in that industry- but assuming you are not, you have yourself a bit of a problem. Now what I’ve observed time and time again in my extensive television watching experience is that if you’re an advertiser, sometimes you just have to “sugar coat” some of your crap so that it tastes like candy…

For instance, let’s begin with Nike. Now, this is not to imply that Nike manufactures crap, because actually, I own a pair of Nike sneakers, and I’ve been completely satisified with them for ages.

Oh, wait!

Shit. I always do this…

My sneakers are actually made by “New Balance”. That said, Nike might actually manufacture crappy sneakers- I’m really just not sure..

Anyway, Nike’s little sugar coating technique involves constantly slapping athletes’ faces all over the TV screen, so that by the end of its 19 seconds of airtime, you’re convinced that a pair of Nike sneakers is all you need to be the next gold medalist. In particular, the commercial I’m thinking of shows Michael Jordon doing a bunch of slam dunks in his Nike sneakers. The underlying message, of course, being that if you were to wear Nike shoes, you too would be able to jump 5 feet high in the air. Apparently, this is supposed to make us want to shell out $89 for a pair of shoes. Well frankly Nike, I may be a wee bit more inclined to buy your shoe if it wasn’t for the fact that Michael here can already jump 4′ 11″ without any freaken shoes on. In fact, I’m not even sure if the shoe’s doing anything besides providing him with that extra 1″ of height. Now, a far better commercial might involve putting a 500 lb man in a pair of Nike shoes and showing him jumping 5′ in the air. Hell, you’d have to beat your customers away with a baseball bat. Now that my friend is sugar coating…

I think another commercial giant that always puts a little sugar in the advertising of its product is Pepsi. These guys just adore singers, and now they’ve got Britney Spears by the pigtails. I mean, c’mon, what is with those commercials? Alright, I hate to destroy Pepsi’s marketing campaign, but girls, drinking this product will not result in you becoming Britney Spears. You will not suddenly be able to “sing”. You will not suddenly have millions of dollars thrown at you. And above all else, you will not suddenly look great in a Catholic school girl’s uniform.

And for the guys… Well, guys, drinking Pepsi will not result in Britney Spears wanting to be your girlfriend. Hell, it will not even result in your present girlfriend looking like Britney Spears (unless of course you put a little Jack in that Pepsi).

(As a side note, I’d like to mention that I personally drank a couple of bottles of Jack Daniels after seeing the end of that commercial (with Bob Dole). Call me old fashioned but I found it highly creepy…)

And of course, Bob Dole now brings us to the subject of Viagra and advertisers of medical products. These guys have a wonderful little technique that they use time and time again in their commericals. Basically, the rule goes something like this “If your product has ’side effects’, list them at the end of the commercial as quickly and as quietly as humanly possible”. Hence, we end up something like this:

Opening Scene: A smiling woman announces that he or she used to have social anxiety disorder.

Pictures of the woman with a sad face flash across the screen.

Middle Scene: Said woman thanks the product, “SAD Away”, for changing her life.

Pictures of the woman with a happy face flash across the screen.

Closing Scene: Announcer drills through a list of possible side effects of “SAD Away”, including the slight chance that your right leg may detach itself from your body and go in search of someone with a better social life…

Announcer then finishes commercial by announcing that “Sad Away” is now “New and Improved”

This seems to be a very popular “sugar coating” technique with all of the advertisers. Basically, make a small change to your crappy product (preferably to the packaging) and then wall paper your commericals with the “New and Improved” label. Personally, I think advertisers are getting far too slack with this title. For instance, just yesterday, I was out shopping, and I purchased a bag of napkins with the words “New and Improved” slapped all over them. The advertisers seemed so excited by this “new improvement” that I got myself all worked up. I thought they had finally designed a napkin with a little weight to it, something that I didn’t have to use ten of with each meal. Well, it turns out that the manufacturer had actually just added a drawstring to the top of the bag. Phew, there’s a potential disaster avoided…

Anyway, I have now rambled on for plenty long enough, and I’m about to miss Dateline (and of course, about fifteen minutes of commercials)…