I think this is perhaps one of my weirder/ sicker money making schemes. Nonetheless, I also think it makes perfect sense. Hence, I’m just gonna kind of thrust it out into the world, and it will either result in my being hailed as a genius or as a complete mental job. Anyway, so here goes…

This year, in the United States alone, at least 10 million people will die. This is, at least, my approximation which of course means it could be way off. I have never been very good with numbers, and when it comes to numbers bigger than like 5,000, my brain just kind of shuts down. Apparently, laziness is consistent throughout my entire body. Anyway, my point is that there will be a lot of deaths this year. Now, imagine how many of those people are rich. Or at least, are rich by my standards. Then, imagine how many of those rich people have no one to leave their money to. Thousands of dollars may just be lost to the government or end up being given to charities such as “The Charity to Provide Alcoholics with Quality Alcohol”. Not something one envisions as the rightful heir to his or her hard earned money.

That said, I’m going to start the “adopt an inheritee” program. This program will allow elderly men and women without any relatives to “adopt” a poor individual (such as myself) to leave all of their money to. To ensure that good matches are made, the profiles of all the “inheritees” will be posted on the program’s website. That way, the rich old guy or gal will be able to find their perfect inheritee- whether it be a little blond Barbie doll girl or a struggling intellectual…

To protect the wealthy “donators”, the inheritees will have no role in making this match. This is to make sure that unscrupulous inheritees do not log on and immediately choose the least healthy/ oldest man or woman on the site. (You can, of course, understand why). In return for an ensured future of wealth, the inheritee will also have to visit their elderly donator at least twice a week. This visit, can not be a “Hey, how you doing? Damn, you look healthy this week. (Pause) Well, gotta go feed my fish” kind of visit. Nope, we’re talking quality time- checkers, chess, trips to the museum, movies, etc…

Even donators who have children are free to enter into the program. If nothing else, knowing that they have some competition for mom or dad’s money, might make the rich little brats shape up.

And, that gives me a great idea for our commercial…

Opening Scene: A poorly lit room. A cuddly, elderly woman is sitting in a antiquish-looking rocking chair. Fiona, a forty something woman who has obviously had “several” nose jobs enters the room. Fiona slams the door behind her. A leg of the rocking chair severs from its body causing the elderly woman to fall to the floor. As she hits the hard, cold wood, she lets out a small whimper.

Fiona- “Mother, that’s it. I’ve had it. This continual whining of yours- ‘Fiona can you please turn on a light? Fiona, can I please have some dinner? Fiona, can I please have a clean pair of socks.’ And now this! Do you think that chair was cheap? How about that floor? Was that cheap too?

Elderly Woman (from the floor)- “I’m sorry Fiona”

Fiona- “Well, sorry ain’t gonna cut it old lady. You’re going to “Sunnydale Farms”!”

Elderly Woman (in a resigned kind of voice)- “Okay, Fiona, go ahead and check me into “Sunnydale Farms” And perhaps, in my spare time, I can find a minute or two to sign up for the “Adopt an Inheritee” Program. I’ve always wanted an artist in the family”

Fiona screams.

The elderly woman looks straight into the camera and winks as the announcer, in his deep manly voice starts talking: “Are you sick and tired of your bitch daughter or bastardly son pushing you around. Give ‘em the scare of their lives- call us at our toll free number: 1-800-adopt-an-inheritee or find us on the web at: www.adoptaninheritee.com. Welcome to our family.”

I think I may have just stumbled on my best idea yet…