So this weekend, I went to Atlantic city. It was perhaps one of the most humbling experiences in my life. I started with $200 in crisp $20 bills and lost it all in slot machines called “Wild Cherry”, “Fiery 7’s”, and “Slingo.” I also lost $100 of my friend’s money which was similarly unfortunate, but we don’t like to talk about that.

Honestly, when I first walked into the casino, I wasn’t going home with less than the $10,000,000 jackpot. Three hours later, I just wanted my money back. By the end of the weekend, I would have been happy with half of it. It was like a study in crushed dreams.

At some point Saturday night, I moved a notch lower when I started abusing the machines: “All of your friends are winners, don’t you want to be a winner?” Apparently not. I even offered to buy one of the machines in the event that Showboat was ever liquidated. I’m sure after spending a lifetime being abused by desperate pensioners, retirement is a pretty sweet option. Unfortunately, this ‘Wheel of Fortune’ machine was a few vowels short of a phrase.

Every now and then, I gave the occasional wink up at the security cameras (or my best guess as to where the security cameras were) on the off chance that the games were rigged and someone was sitting back there, deciding who would win. As the night progressed, the gestures became more obscene. It didn’t result in me winning but it did result in me being trailed up to my room by an eighty year old security guard with severe osteoporosis. Fortunately, a threatening wave of my mace took care of that little problem.

I will say however that in the process of losing, I did learn one valuable lesson: God, doesn’t answer casino prayers (even really really nice ones and even ones where you offer to split the proceeds (80-20) with charity). It takes a devil-worshiping little old lady to hit the jackpot at Atlantic City.

By the end of the weekend, I was left with a 49 cent coupon which was rejected by the penny slots. I was pretty bitter. On the drive home, my friend tried to cheer me up with the “Well at least you’ve got your health” speech. At that point, I would have sold it for $200 and ten minutes with a “Slingo” machine.