(or why I may be switching credit card companies in 500 words or less)

I think my credit card company is seriously confused about our relationship. Each month they try to push stuff on me that frankly, Lillian Vernon wouldn’t be caught dead with. This month, they sent me 2,400 points redeemable on: an emergency light, an auto escape hammer, and a soothing sounds player. So I guess if my car ever crashes into a lake late at night and water is rapidly streaming in, I can toss on some soothing sounds, use the light to find the window, and then spend an hour or two chiseling through it with the world’s smallest hammer. Hell, at 200 points a piece, I can buy four of each– in case my car has a predisposition towards crashing into lakes. Interestingly enough, Chase also sent me a coupon for $20 off of a weekend rental at Hertz. You think maybe they’ve got some kind of a deal going?

Now one would think that this unique collection would be enough to satisfy even the most demanding Chase members, and let me tell you, I was perfectly satisfied with the hammer/ light/ soothing sounds combo, but there were even more surprises to be had from my monthly statement. At the back of the envelope was a coupon for $5 off of Sixteen Candles, the Breakfast Club, or Weird Science. Granted you had to purchase two DVDs to get the $5 off, but isn’t it worth it? I mean it’s not like these movies are playing on TBS every single weekend over and over again…

Alright, I know what you’re thinking: you’re satisfied, need we go on? Chase has already produced mountain high piles of junk mail and displaced at least three species of rainforest monkeys. But wait, we’re not done yet! There’s still the classic black pens for only $5.00 (reduced from the “others selling price” of $45.00) These pens will no doubt come in handy for signing all of your checks to Chase. There’s also free monogramming on one pen, so if someone tries to steal that pen, well then you can just go ahead and call them out on it: “HEY MAN, THAT’S MY PEN!” This will be especially good for meetings—although, avoid those inconsiderate individuals with the same initials. “I’m sorry did you say your name was Jeff Stevenson? And your middle name would be? Oh, Andrew, huh? So your initials would be exactly the same as mine?? Yeah, no I don’t think that’s going to be possible but maybe Pete over there has a pen you can use.”

And last of all: the $50.00 U.S. Savings Bond! There’s no need to think about it! Just sign in the big, boxed off area and Chase will give you a $50.00 U.S. Savings Bond!!! (and a $79.99/ Yr. Annual Membership to Chase’s entertainment service which will automatically be charged to your Chase Credit Card). And of course, you can sleep better at night, knowing that you’re helping the good old U.S.A.

Now where the fuck is Osama…