I think I have whooping cough. Okay, well, it’s not quite definite yet in that no one with any sort of a medical degree has diagnosed it per say (that is unless you consider a veterinarian to be a valid source of medical information). But I’m just sort of getting a sick/ ill vibe from my body, and well, whooping cough’s just so damn exotic. I mean, who wants a boring old “cold” or a “cough”? I’m a special kind of girl, and frankly, I demand a special kind of illness. Why should my illness get lumped in with all those commoners? Now, how many people do you know who can claim that they have whooping cough? Exactly…Anyway, regardless of the type of illness you have (or that you claim to have), I think it’s very important to milk your illness for as long as you possibly can. Hell, I was milking my cough while it was still just a wee micro-germ. If after a week, your friends and family are secretly hoping that your illness is fatal, you, my friend, are doing a good job of milking it for all it’s worth. However, if your nearest and dearest still look happy and vibrant after your first fews days of being sick, you might not be getting what you deserve. It’s time to put the milking process into high gear! Here are some of my pointers to help you out:

Alright, first of all, keep in mind that it’s very important to constantly remind your friends and family that you’re sick. A popular method of doing this is to wander around your house groaning, “I am sooo sick.” Sure, after the thirtieth or fortieth time, your own mother might tell you to shut the hell up. But really, they won’t truly believe until you’ve said it like eighty or ninety times. It also helps if you can toss a coughing spasm into the middle of it. Increase the volume of the cough until you’re sure you’ve got their attention.

Now, if you truly want some sympathy from your friends and family, it’s also very important to look the part. Occasionally, some homeless woman will hit me up for money. Now, if I’m looking at her, and I’m thinking, “Damn, I want those shoes”, I’m not going to be real inclined to give her any cash. That said, if your family looks at you, and you look just a wee bit too healthy, they’re not going to waste their sympathy on you- there’s many a stray dog who deserves their pity a hell of a lot more. That said, being sick gives you the unique privilege of not having to take a shower for days. I suggest you save some water and stay smelly. Hell, you don’t even need to get out of your pajamas.

Now, my mom’s going to kill me for telling you this, but seeing as I’m already knocking on death’s door, I’m going to go ahead and take my chances. When my mom’s got a cold, she makes little wads of tissue paper and sticks them up her nose. This, of course, saves a great deal of time in that she doesn’t have to keep wiping it over and over again. But above and beyond that, you just see the woman, and you want to like drown her in chicken soup (well, either that or you just want to poke your eyes out). It is, shall we say, a very effective visual image…

Once you have your victim under your thumb, it’s time to get them to run some errands for you. Basically, the rule goes like this- “The bigger the illness, the bigger the errand”. For example, if you just have a “common cold”, good luck getting your family members to go any further than the nearest 7-Eleven. However, if you have like “African Spotted Measles”, well, hell, you could get your family member to knock over a 7-Eleven and buy you the rock star of your dreams. (I, for one, have always had a soft spot for Coolio…)

Anyway, above all else remember that you’re the one who’s sick. If making everyone elses’ lives a living hell cheers you up, well then, they shouldn’t be so selfish as to complain…