As a consumer, I am generally dissatisfied with my deodorant. I don’t know if it’s a flaw in the product itself or if I have just been blessed with stronger sweat glands than the other 99.9% of the female population. Nonetheless, in my last twenty-some years of life, many a stick of deodorant has fallen short when confronted with my armpits. My latest tragedy has been Lady Mitchum who I swear jumped out of the shopping cart to avoid a much worse fate. Now, frankly I just don’t think this kind of behavior is justifiable. Yes, there is many an armpit which I myself would not like to be rubbed into (okay, well… actually… I wouldn’t like to be rubbed into any armpits. But I’m also not a stick deodorant). Anyway, my point here is that there are probably some female wrestlers out there who have perfected sweating into an art form. These are the arm pits of the world that Lady Mitchum should be running from… And yet, my puny armpits still seem to be able to wreak havoc into the hearts of even the bravest and strongest deodorants on the market.

Now, ideally, I want my deodorant to be able to soak up spills. And I’m not talking your little “run-of-the-mill” milk spills. No, I’m talking oil spills- and I mean, “Mr. President, we have a problem” type oil spills. No longer do I want to see a young woman on T.V., bragging about how her deodorant keeps her dry “All day long”. No, I want to see the President of the United States on T.V. bragging about how this brand of deodorant has been dropped on the enemy with the sole purpose of shriveling them up into dry, crusty little strips.

I want a deodorant that is this strong and yet, does NOT leave sticky white stains on my clothing. I’m over the clear looking stuff which still leaves a nice white streak on my black shirt. I want a deodorant which will actually clean my shirt while I’m wearing it. I also want a deodorant which does not smell like a baby’s ass. The “baby fresh/ baby powder” smell just isn’t doing it for me. And girls, let me tell you- it isn’t doing it for anyone else either. Who are we all trying to fool? Does the smell make us all feel more youthful and free? Cause if that’s the purpose, post shower, we might as well start wiping our bodies down with Baby Wipes. Alright, I’m done rambling for now. Happy deodorant hunting!