So it took a little longer than anticipated but I have officially been dumped. It’s been four days since she moved out, and I have fantasized about her coming back about 453,000 times. My guess is I’ll keep hoping right up until I see the New York Times wedding announcement in which she’s marrying a doctor, with alove can be a downer sometimes... trust fund, regular appearances on Oprah, and a small island off the coast of Italy.

The good news (if there is any) is that this is the second time some girl has ripped my heart out and so I was mildly prepared. That said, here’s my list of how to survive these dark times:

1. Throw out as much of his/ her stuff as you possibly can. This includes but is not limited to clothes, electronics, shoes, cats, etc. Anything that is just to valuable to toss can be sold on craig’s list or launched out of a car window onto his or her mother’s front lawn. For some reason, putting stuff in big black trash bags is strangely therapeutic, I recommend using lots of them.

2. Temporarily stop caring about anything that was important to you but is kind of depressing (e.g. children starving, icecaps melting, doggies dying, etc…) This may be more difficult if you are say the head of UNICEF.

3. No sad songs. Ideally aim for hip hop and gangsta rap. My play list these days includes “Given Up” by Linkin Park, “In da Club” by 50, and “Stan” by Eminem. These guys don’t care about no bitches and they are now your new role models. I apologize ahead of time if you get shot.

4. As one of my friend’s mother’s suggested: “The best way to get over someone is to get under someone.” Feel free to tell your friends that I’m now single.

5. Read trashy adventure books. At 3 AM, when you can’t sleep and you’re lying in bed, it’s much better to read than to try and guess what sexual act your ex is currently performing on his or her new love interest.

sushi?6. Time to treat yourself! You are the victim here. Set up a fund, donate a little money, and cheer yourself the hell up. I’m getting a set of chef knives, a Wii, and a fish tank.

7. Call up all your old friends. You’ve been blowing them off for the last 2-4 years while you were cocooning with your ex. Your friends should hate you, but for some reason, they won’t. If they seem somewhat distant, invite them over to play on your Wii while you prepare some sushi (see #6 above).

8. Tell mutual friends not to tell you anything about your ex. Feel free to have them killed if they refuse to respect your request.

9. Never consider the possibility that your ex dumped you for someone else– unless of course, they tell you that they’re dumping you for someone else (but even then, it’s better to be skeptical).

10. Try and minimize the number of nights spent curled up in the fetal position around a bottle of booze. Long term, it’s just not sustainable. Trust me, I tried last time around…