Well I never thought the day would come when I’d start whining about politics. I find, in general, the whole political procedure to be far too complicated and way too boring. Fortunately for me, President Bush has helped simplify the whole process, and he’s made it a hell of a lot more interesting (and no, that is not a compliment). Alright, so here’s what I’m thinking about: the whole drilling in the Arctic thing.

All the oil manufacturers are claiming that the drilling can be done with minimal effect on the environment. Well, I sat my ass down and did a little research. Now, based on a map that I saw on TV, the drilling will be done in an area populated by caribou and polar bears.

“Ummmm… Hi. Excuse Mr. Polar Bear, can you move just a tad (yeah yeah- just a tad) to the right. You see, we just want to drill right where you’re sitting.”

Now, of course, I imagine the polar bear’s going to be a wee bit upset. But that will be before he finds out that we’re going to hook him up with a comfy job in the oil refinery. Yep, no longer will the polar bears have to bear the harsh arctic winters. From now on, they’ll spend their days in the oil refinery and then they’ll drive their SUVs home to their little caves where their wives will be cooking frozen fish sticks on an oil fired stove.

It’s the American dream personified, and those polar bears should be pretty damn happy to be a part of it. Now the caribou, well, we don’t really need them- we’ll just slaughter them. Maybe next time, Mother Nature will think about creating them with more useful characteristics…

Now, I guess all I really want to know is if I can contribute to the oil manufacturers’ cause. I mean, everyone’s helping out the environmentalists, but really, who’s helping out the CEOs of the oil companies? Do they not have feelings? Do they not cry oil soaked tears? I, for one, would be more than happy to be a part of the driving force behind the modernization of the Arctic Wilderness.

I see concrete skyscrapers, I see military type bulldozers tearing into the pristine snow, and I just want to get down on my knees and thank God for George W. Bush.

And one day, may the the polar bears, George W. Bush, and the oil manufacturers join hands/ paws and sing the National Anthem out into the smog covered Arctic sky.

I know what you’re thinking- won’t the polar bears eat George W. Bush and “his collegues”? You, my friend, have not been paying attention. Did you not hear the bit about the sweet job in the oil refinery, the SUV, and the oil fired stove?

Hell, there are some black bears in Maine who would kill for a life like that….