Well, I’m officially old. This week-end, my baby brother graduated from college. I have to say that it was all pretty exciting- well, except for the five hours of speeches (those sucked). And the worst part was that we all had to just sit there with the sun beating down on us, while student after student came up to the podium and cried their eyes out. I swear that Mother Nature had like a huge magnifying glass focused on me and was just snickering her head off as I roasted to death. At present, my arms are like two little plump sauerkraut sausages, and I think my nose glows in the dark. That said, if a power outage should occur, I’m pretty well equipped. But if, on the other hand, a bunch of hungry bears should wander into my apartment, well then, I’m screwed.

Apart from the sun, I also had to deal with sitting behind three of the world’s biggest morons. I think they perhaps thought that they were at a taping of the Jerry Springer show, because whenever one of the graduates would come out, they’d make like whooping noises. And apparently, my little “uh hum” cough was not as much of a deterrent as I thought it would be. The idiot in front of me was particularly obnoxious; and he proceeded to stand up just as I was taking a picture of my brother. Well that was it! I lost it. I believe my exact quote was “Move your fucking head, you moron!!!”. Fortunately for me, my dad caught this perfect family moment on tape. Sorry, Grandma…

Well, after the actual ceremony finally ended, we all filed off to a reception/ barbeque type thing. Well, all of us except for my brother. He was busy hooking up with his girlfriend who he hadn’t seen in like forty-eight hours. Typical, right? I haven’t seen the kid in like six months… Anyway, so I was left at the mercy of a bunch of gossip hungry parents. My afternoon went something like this…

“Did I tell you that Charles JR the Fourth is now working for Chase? He owns twelve Mercedes AND three BMWs. He also volunteers in the African jungle in his spare time.”

“Oh yeah? Well, my little Suzy just discovered the cure to cancer. They all said it would take decades to find. Suzy figured it out in .3 seconds. Did I mention that she’s just nine years old?”

So of course, confronted with such high standards of excellence, there was only one thing left for me to do- lie…

“So yeah, after graduating from MIT, I joined the robotics division of the CIA in 1991. I’d love to talk about my work, but it’s all classified info, you know. I will say, however, that next time you go to a Ricky Martin concert, you might want to consider the fact that his pelvic thrusts seem just a wee bit too perfect…”

I’d then give the dazzled parent a little wink and a “shhh, don’t tell anyone” finger gesture. It worked like a charm.

So yeah, that’s more or less how I entertained myself for an additional two hours. I also spent a great deal of time considering whether my plump little arms’ newly expanded surface area would result in me looking fatter. However by 5:00, my little sausage arms were sick of shaking hands with boring parents, and I was ready to go home…

Overall, it was a pretty eventful day. On the train ride home, I kept wondering if one day, I too will reach a certain age, and I’ll have like seven kids (okay, well, maybe not seven kids, but rather maybe just one small child) and that child will be all I talk about. And even worse, I’ll make every topic of conversation somehow relate to my child. I mean, perhaps, one day, someone will come up to me and try to tell me something important like that the world’s about to explode. But instead of screaming like a maniac, I’ll just be like,

“Oh well, when little Stevie was in Pre-School, he was reading the “Little Chicken” book. You know, the one where the little chicken thinks the sky is falling. And little Stevie got it into his head that the sky was falling. But last year, after his college graduation, he came up to me and he said, ‘Mum, perhaps I was wrong about the sky’ (yes, he did just like that he did). And I said to him, ‘Stevie, you’re the best son a mother could have’. Now, did I mention he was Summa Magna Cum Laude/ Phi Beta Kappa/ Dean’s List with Distinction?”

Then, I’ll go off on some other random story about little Stevie. Meanwhile, the person who came to warn me about the world exploding will have since died of boredom. And I’ll just be sitting there, talking to a corpse, while the world’s turning into a big fiery mess.

Not a pretty picture is it?