I guess a lot of New Yorkers like to watch the Today Show first thing in the morning. Me, I prefer watching Maury Povich. There’s nothing like a show entitled “My teen daughter can’t survive without sex” to add that certain je ne sais quoi to my morning. Each morning, I watch twenty minutes of arguing, fighting, and general chaos; and for some reason, it puts me in a damn fine mood. I guess it makes my problems seem kind of trival. Cause you know what, it may be raining outside and I may have just poured lumpy milk on my cereal but, at least, I don’t have to worry about my brother parading around in women’s undergarments. Now that’s really a pretty big problem, and highly worthy of say at least, an hour’s worth of network television time.

Overall, I’d say that Maury’s pretty good about putting only the most important/ news breaking shows on the air. He’s not like Jerry who will slap any old thing up there. Nope, a great deal of time and effort has been put into finding the most important stories. Some of my favorites include: “Help Maury, my teen daughter dresses too sexy”; “Wild, out of control teenagers”; and “Guess who’s actually a girl?” I think the only time that Maury and I have disagreed as to the importance of a story was when he aired a show about makeovers for girls who dress like boys. Well, frankly, if I was say the type of mother who brought my daughter onto Maury (read: white trash), I think I’d be extremely happy if she exhibited any outward signs of being a lesbian. Cause hey, at least that way, she won’t be knocked up at the sweet age of 14. Sure you go on the show, give her the make-over, and next thing you know, you’re back on the show, bitching about her being a little whore…

Well, in case you haven’t guessed already- it’s safe to say that I definitely make a good deal of noise while watching Maury in the mornings. I think this comes about because I feel that if I yell loudly enough at the T.V. screen, by some divine/ cosmic intervention, Maury’s “guests” will stop acting like complete asses. I’m pretty sure that my neighbors probably make fun of me. And believe me, I’m generally not a paranoid person. It’s just that we have mighty thin walls in my “luxurious” New York City apartment, and I constantly hear my neighbors’ T.V.- especially when they’re watching action movies, disney classics or porn. And in the mornings, I sometimes hear them laughing behind the walls and occasionally when I pass them in the corridors, I catch the phrase “crack pot”. Yeah so my guess is that they probably hear me yelling at Maury’s guests.

Anyway, I guess despite my declining reputation with the neighbors, the only other small downside to watching Maury has been the fact that I’ve started talking like white trash. Oh, not like in a big way, but just the occasional line or two- which can actually sometimes be pretty helpful. For example, these days if some old lady cuts me off at the subway entrance, I no longer scream, “Get out of the way, you old bag”, but rather, I find myself screaming “HEY who do you think you are Miss. Thaaaaang” (note the added emphasis on the “A”). And frankly, I think this elicits more of a response. These little old ladies are used to being cursed out by angry New Yorkers who have had to trail behind them for forty minutes while they shuffle down the stairs. They’re immune to the cursing and the screams. But the white trash/ hickory nut approach can sometimes throw them for a loop- thus giving me just enough time to push them out of the way.

In conclusion, I’d definitely like to say that Maury has changed my life for the better. Thanks to his show, I now have a greater appreciation for the finer things in life. Now does the Today show really offer any type of competition???