So my mom came to visit this weekend.  She was fresh out of Penn Station for a whole nine minutes when some guy offered to hail her a cab.  So my mom proceeded to hand over her suitcase and he went to hail the cab.  When he came back, my mom tipped him $1.  I’m thinking she maybe should have given him a twenty for not running off with her stuff and selling it in Chinatown—“Sweet deal: XL Hanes underwear.”   Mom obviously didn’t read “Dummies Guide to Not Getting Jacked in NYC”.  Hell, even Asian tourists are getting smarter:  In 1995, 2.5 out of 3 Asian tourists could be seen toting studio quality video camera around their necks.  In 2004, it was only 2 out of 3 Asian tourists.  (In unrelated news, Japanese tourists’ necks have gotten exponentially weaker).

So this got me thinking, perhaps I could come up with my own guide to touring NYC.  Hell, I’ve been here six years.  I must have learned a thing or two. Probably not, but I am nonetheless willing to  try.

Alright so here goes, top ten rules of visiting NYC:

  1. You didn’t see nothing.  (otherwise referred to as “No that ain’t crack”)
  2. Don’t buy shoes on the street.  You don’t know whose body they were pried off of and not everyone maintains a high degree of pediatric hygiene.
  3. Homeless people don’t like you to laugh at them.
  4. They spit in the hotdogs and nuts (revised from the 80’s guidebooks)
  5. Refrain from bragging about your phone/ camera/ camera phone until you’re on the plane, heading home.
  6. There are no nice girls in New York, they’re all after your money or your girlfriend.
  7. If someone wants to trade iPods for the subway ride, be suspicious of his or her motives- your playlists aren’t that good.
  8. Don’t slow down, look at a map, or ask directions.  If you’re lost, you’ll eventually stumble across something big like the Statue of Liberty or the East River.
  9. Sometimes people have to pee in the subway; in the street; or on your foot.  Just look the other way and don’t make a big deal out of it.
  10. Don’t give your suitcase to strange men on the street.

I’m be sending my first print addition to my mom…