I think I’ve just found hell- it’s somewhere on a bus between New York and Boston. Now I’m not sure if I’m getting older or if I’m merely getting less tolerant, but I must be surrounded by forty of the world’s most annoying people. And I swear to god, someone on this bus smells of tuna fish. And I’m not talking that “fresh out of the ocean” kind of tuna fish smell, but rather that “let’s pop open a can of tuna and leave it sitting for six to seven hours” kind of smell. To make matters worse, the guy opposite me who’s reading a book entitled “The History of Sigmund Freud” has just started picking his nose. I wonder if Sigmund Freud condones picking one’s nose in public…

I’m getting to the point these days when I can choose the person who I’m going to end up sitting next to on the bus as soon as I enter the bus station. It’s usually the guy standing over in the corner who’s just got his prison release papers and is heading home to surprise Mom. I honestly believe I attract sketchiness (and believe you me, I know sketchiness- I am after all a New Yorker). Some people have a way with animals, some people have a way with good looking members of the opposite sex- I just have a way with serial killers. Perhaps, the FBI could use me in some type of a sting operation. Put me on a bus and just arrest whichever wack-job ends up sitting next to me. Just a thought….

Anyway, despite my bitching, I actually seem to have lucked out this time- or at least I think I’ve lucked out. I guess its possible that this quiet Indian woman next to me is actually an international spy. But of course, barring any illegal tendencies, it appears to me that the woman sitting next to me is in fact a legitimate human being. That said, there is a slight problem with her. You see, she’s reading a book entitled “English in Ten Easy Steps”. This poses a bit of a problem for me in that I can’t exactly leave the bus.

Allow me to explain to all you bus virgins out there… You see, part of the bus ride between New York and Boston involves a ten minute stop at Roy Rogers in order for the bus driver to go to the bathroom, smoke a cigarette, take a walk, shoot-up- whatever it is he does- before we continue on our little journey. Well fortunately for us all, we’re allowed to also take a break and use the bathroom. Anyway, so ten minutes go by before everyone tumbles back on to the bus and the bus driver yells out “Is anyone missing?” Now if no one says anything, the bus driver climbs into his seat and the bus speeds out of the parking lot. So this is kind of where my problem kicks in.

I can imagine it now… I’ll be sitting on the fine facilities at Roy Rogers- completely oblivious to the fact that everyone else has just scampered back on to the bus when the bus driver yells out “Is anyone missing?” Now by the time, my loyal companion has looked up “girl next to me still in restaurant” in her Indian-to-English dictionary, the bus will be two hours away and I’ll be majorly screwed… I guess I could just write a sentence down for her and tell her to read it should I be inopportunely stalled. But I fear her English abilities may not be very good at all and “Girl in Roy Rogers!!!” may become “Hurlin’ Raw Ogres” which of course makes no sense. At which point the bus driver will just dismiss her as another lunatic riding the bus; or else if he is actually in a drug induced state, he may proclaim her the “Third Messiah” and haul ass out of the parking lot- now convinced that he’s on a mission from heaven. Either way, I’m out of luck. I guess I’m going to have to resort to Plan B; and relieve myself in the 2′ by 2′ cell on the bus which wants to be a bathroom when it grows up…