To date I have struggled with having seriously dull friends. While other people are begging their friends not to jump off of 300 foot sky scrapers, I’m listening to stories about working in an African refugee camp . While other people are conducting massive “put down the crack, Krystal” type interventions, I’m being taught the nuances of feminism in the twenty-first century. Yeah exactly. So you can imagine how happy I was this weekend when not one but three of my overeducated friends simultaneously announced that Landmark Education has changed their lives. Sweet- A cult!

Now, before we proceed with this discussion, I ‘m going to insert my little disclaimer: it is possible that I’m overreacting. Landmark Education may not be a cult. I am definitely someone who has a major fear of anything which large groups of people simultaneously buy into. Hell, I don’t even like going to really popular movies– everyone laughing at the same time seriously creeps me out. That said, la de da… it sure would be nice not to be killed by crazy L.M.E. members.

Anyway, disclaimer done.

So here’s the low down on Landmark. You register, pay $410, sit in a room with 100 people for 15 hours a day for three days straight and then your life improves. If you’re under the age of 13, your life will improve for half price. Y our parents will love you again; you will forgive your slutty best friend for sleeping with your brother (and sister); and you will finally realize that the world is a better place because of you. And the best part is you will see immediate improvement because Landmark encourages you to call all of your sucky friends and relatives while you’re still in the seminar. Now that’s brilliant:

“Hello Mom? Look sorry about the collect call. It’s me Suzie. I know we haven’t spoken in like ten years (primarily because you left me by the side of the road in my pink bunny slippers– god I loved those slippers) but listen Mom I’m ready to forgive you. I’ve just spent 3 days in this amazing seminar and well I’ve learned so much about the pressures of motherhood and how hard it is to raise twelve kids on mule money and well… “

And on and on and on.

Meanwhile Mom hung up ten minutes ago, but you’re so cracked out from the lack of sleep that you don’t notice that Mom’s “uh huhs” have long been replaced by a steady dial tone:

“I love you Mom. I love you so much. I’m so glad we had a chance to reconcile. Well I’ve got to go now. They’re calling me. Goodbye, Mother. I’ll call you again real soon.”

The amazing thing though is that anyone has these sorts of resources (time and money) to burn. I think I’d have to cut out after the first day, especially if it was a Friday. I’m thinking 15 hours on a hard wooden bench, listening to some guy lecture, would seriously screw up my Friday night. And if that wasn’t problem enough, I think I may be too poor to join this cult. Which means, dammit, I’m going to have to join one of those crazy baby eating ones… and I don’t even have a baby which I’m sure is going to make it twice as hard to get in. Maybe I can get a Landmark scholarship instead?? Rumor has it if you work for Microsoft, they’ll pay for you to attend a Landmark Education seminar. No comment. It’s too easy.

So at this point, I think we’re in need of a solid Plan B (insert fanfare and screams of delight). Plan B: how about instead of paying Landmark, you take your $410 and give everyone you have an issue with $50. You can start with me. For $50, I’m willing to forgive you for whatever imagined offense you may have committed against me. For another $50, my goldfish will forgive you too. Yeah, I know it sucks to give up that elite cult member status but did you really want to end up in a boarded up shack, shooting an AK-47 at law enforcement officers? Rumor has it that you suck with heavy artillery and they shoot back.