Well, I spent the greater part of today in the hospital. Oh, it wasn’t for me (I’m not sure if that makes you happy or sad), I was merely accompanying my roommate who had surgery done on her right hand. Yep, she had a “repetitive stress” injury. So, I ended up sitting for three hours in a hospital waiting room. Fun. There were, however, a few highlights to my day…

Highlight #1: Getting to see my roommate in the hospital issued frock and hairnet

I’m not really sure why she had to change out of her clothes for surgery on her hand. Nonetheless. it provided me with quite a few laughs- although, I did have a scary flashback to 6th grade and to our local lunch lady. I swear, if she had even said the word, “meatloaf”, I probably would have screamed. The frock and bonnet combo has definitely inspired me to take better care of my body. Although, if there’s any way I can get my hands on a set of doctor’s scrubs, well, that would be mighty sweet. I’m currently debating as to whether I prefer green or blue. Is blue higher ranking than green? Of course, knowing my luck, I’d be walking down the street in my scrubs and someone would get hit by a car or something. And then, of course, everyone would expect me to save them, and well, frankly, that would just be a bad thing cause I really don’t know anything about medicine. Well, except for what I’ve seen on the show, ER, but that’s really just taught me how to perfom open heart surgery and that kind of a thing- nothing as mundane as a car accident victim…

Highlight #2: Getting to peruse the hospital’s magazine collection

Well considering how many people must spend hours and hours in the hospital waiting room, you’d think they’d have a better magazine collection. I got so desperate I ended up reading the “Mature Reader”. Of course, I didn’t quite process the title until I was halfway through the magazine and noticed that there were a hell of a lot of advertisements for arthritis medication and erectile dysfunction. (I can be, shall we say, a wee bit slow…) I do, however, now know how to legally remove your kids from your will- should they turn out to be huge failures. I also know which vacation spots cater to a retired audience. Although the use of the word “vacation” seems strangely ironic in this instance…

Highlight #3: The nurse called me “Sweetie”

I don’t know why but I always feel better about myself when someone calls me “Sweetie”. Sure, it’s entirely based on appearances, and frankly, if they knew me, they’d know that I’m actually like the “Anti-Sweetie”. But yet, it stills gives me a warm fuzzy, “maybe-I’m-not-going-to-hell-after-all” like feeling. And well, I definitely don’t get that feeling too often. In fact, I usually get the reverse feeling which basically, involves the notion that one day, Satan himself might pop out of the ground and join me for breakfast (that is, if he’s not busy with the head of the NRA)… Opps, shit, broke my rule of never insulting anyone who owns a gun.

Highlight #4: It was nice to be in an environment where my “cleanliness” is not considered “obsessive/ compulsive” so much as “hygienic”

What do you expect. I live in New York. I ride the subway system. I spend my morning commute surrounded by people who are trying to break the world record in terms of length of armpit hair. Needless to say, I wash my hands very frequently- some may say obsessively. But in the hospital, it was like being around my own people. They get to wear gloves and hairnets and some of these doctors even have little booties that they put on over their shoes. It’s beautiful. Afer seeing that and the scrubs, I was almost considering a career in medicine. Then it suddenly occurred to me that I’d have to like touch the patients and take their temperatures and change their bedpans; and well, frankly, that would just decrease my overall level of sanitation. Oh well, there goes my mother’s dream of having a doctor in the family. And don’t think she didn’t try- I have like ten sets of the game of “Operation” to prove it. You see, for some reason, my mother’s convinced that she’s going to need a hip replacement somewhere down the road. And although I keep trying to explain to her that I’m pretty sure that doctors can’t just give that kind of stuff away, it really just falls on deaf ears. So every now and then, I’ll call her up to bitch about my job, and she’ll say, “Well, how about medical school?” And I’ll say, “But I don’t want to be a doctor.” And then she’ll say, “But they get great benefits”. And while the average person would assume that my mother was referring to say a $90,000 Mercedes or a $500,000 home, she’s actually referring to the so-called free hip replacements that all of the doctors are giving to their mothers these days… That said, if you are a doctor, please e-mail me and I’ll send you my mother’s address. Then perhaps, you can explain to her how the insurance industry works and how it’s kind of hard to just give away hip replacements.

Highlight #5: My roommate will be drugged up for four weeks

This is pretty much self explanatory. I can only listen to so much whining… Hmm… I’d definitely be a bad doctor.

Highlight #6:

Well actually, I’m all out of highlights. I did, afterall, spend the day in the hospital- not at Disney World. Anyway, I better go tend to my roommate. She’s cooking, and I’m getting a weird vibe of imminent danger…